(Dear Auntie Dote),
I'd like your input.
In the five years before I
met my boyfriend, he only dated one other
woman briefly. I can tell you without
exaggerating that he is compassionate, kind, and treats me as an equal. The "friends first" approach did
not work with the women he pursued before me.
He thought that he was unlucky.
I think that it was his
choice of women - that he chose women who,
for whatever reason, did not value the qualities in him that I do.
What is your opinion on this
issue?
M
Dear M,
Your intuition sounds
right. He may have had some superficial reasons for pursuing the wrong kind of
women, or as you say, women who didn't value him for those qualities he has to
offer. (Guys acting irrationally around chicks? Yeah, it's been known to
happen.)
It may not be his fault.
It can be hard to tell if the objects of one's early infatuations are prone to
deep insights into character, short of trial and error. This builds experience,
maybe he figured some things out in the dating process. We all have to. Who
hasn't had an unwise crush on someone really, really unlikely to value you for
your inner qualities and/or self-delusions? If I had a rock band,
"Inappropriate Boyfriends" would be the first song I'd kick out (and
I'm sure everyone could sing a chorus). It's part of the comedy of life.
So, I'm not sure what
kind of broader point you want us to make with this, but it sounds like you are
happy with this guy, so carry on. Is there some problem you're not telling us
about? Are you *looking* for problems? It's almost like you're blaming him for
circumstances which played to your advantage (i.e., what it was that kept him
single until he met YOU).
A very basic rule of
thumb about fair and happy dating is: (Unless there are red flags jumping out
all over the place) don't overanalyze or judge the shit that happened before
you even knew each other . I had a
boyfriend once who was so jealous, he stole my diaries (a disgusting violation
in itself) just so he could get worked up about all the guys I dated before
him. SHEESH! [See "Inappropriate Boyfriends," chorus 15, line 11.]
So you see how looking
for character flaws in your mate by dredging up their romantic history can be a
mistake? Maybe you shouldn't worry about it. Just be happy you're way smarter
than those other women.
You're smarter = You win.
And if you guys stay together because he appreciates it, then fine, and if not,
guess what? You'll always have you.
-A.D.
