Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

June 9, 2002

Please note: In spite of the above disclaimer, I'm getting some unusual requests. So here is, again, a summary of what NOT to write to dfb and do:
Please do not write me requesting that I not publish your letter. You aren't paying me for a personal consultation and I'm not going to have an email-therapy relationship with you. Everything written to dfb can potentially go up, I've got no sympathy if you don't want your mom or your roommate or girlfriend or whoever to see it. On a related note, PLEASE don't write me a one-liner asking me how you can "get the boy" or how you can "get over the girl" or whatever and leaving your email. What part of "this ain't dear fuckin' Abby" are you having difficulty understanding? Write to her with that kind of thing. The simple answer for this type of thing is that you should work on yourself, and I'm not going to write you personally to say so.

If you are an attention starved loon who has been writing repeatedly to any other HBI members and you subsequently write to me thinking you can grovel, talk more, and get more attention, you would be wrong. We share loon-information just to keep from giving y'all any more attention. (also to snicker at you)

Finally, due to a move that screwed up my redirect, if you wrote me during April or part of May 2002 I may not have received your mail. It's all working now so feel free to submit again.
Thank you, bon

And now for your reading delight and amusement, a collection from the "HeadCases and Oneliners" folder:

i truly have more respect for whores than i do for bitches! at least with a whore, she has a heart!

You get what you settle (or pay) for. By the way, is "heart" really what you're paying that sex worker for? If it is, that's even sadder than you think it is.

suck my fat one bitch. This one goes out to (bright girl who dumped this numbnuts)fuckin hore
You talk alot of shit then slut your ass around town ehh.

Is he talking to "bright girl" or us, I wonder? Oh, never mind, who cares.

Fuck you

No way.

Sounds like all of you are the weak and whiners in life. You don't like these types of behavior, Cry me a river. Get your own ways of going through life instead of bitching about others, I thought this site was funny until I read your responses and some of these e-mails. This site bitches about people bitching, so take into the consideration the obvious and Stop whining about other people and finding thier faults, find your own!

Don't you just love the circularity of this "comment"? The buck stops...nowhere! In other words, don't confront and disengage from the manipulators and whiners, people, and certainly don't call them on their shit. Put up AND shut up. To which Heartless Bitches the world over respond with a hearty "Ha, don't you wish, Loser!"

You've got to be f*cking bullsh*tting me!

Nope, we weren't the first time you wrote, and we're not this time either. Actually, I believe you might have been one of the slobbering one-liners in the last collection. Regardless, this doesn't register as disagreement or insult. It just demonstrates that you really don't get it. (Also, if you're going to use the words fuck or shit at all, why not just write them correctly? Lame, lame, lame.)

Hello

I have wrote you a previous e-mail saying how fuckin stupid my fuckin boyfriend is. I hate him so much I want him to die. But I never see him enough to tell him how fuckin stupid he is. What do I do? And I also wanna know how can I get the guy who I like to notice me, even though we NEVER see eachother.
Thanks bu bye

You have a "boyfriend" who you "hate". And you never see him? Does he know you think there's a "relationship," or is it entirely in your head? Sounds like you have some pretty major issues. (Is this the man who's email address you're using? I hope he reads the copies of the mail sent from his account.) Incidentally, if this is a "fake" question to vie for the "stoopid" prize, you're ranking pretty high. (Low?)

What the fuck is with all you goddamned bitches? What the fuck do you think you are doing? This is a male dominated world and should always be. We are better than you so fuck you. Oh, and if you care to send your bullshit pussy reply, send it to braindrained@don't you wish.com

What is the motivation of a feeb like this, I have to wonder, what does he think HE'S doing? Does he think he's going to get personal attention this way, or that he makes any kind of point? Utterly pathetic. (This is an interesting switch on the usual "abnorms" who write me in that "he" is claiming to be better than us - as a male - yet the "reply" name on the email account was falsified female and the account name@NOTweb-based had a male in it. Confused, is s/he? *snort*)

Dear, Molested monkeyass mother fucking Bitch ass shit hole Bon:

I also (in addition to the fact that you're a piece of shit) hate fucking bitches because you are one fucking piece of shit and their lives are inherently much more fulfilling and easy than mine.

Gee, I wonder why.

You are a cock. I'm envious of the fucking great amount of opportunity that is available to a motherfucking stinky bitch just because you are one fucking piece of shit and she's a goddamn fucking bitch, despite fucking bitches's manipulative, contrived protestations to the fucking contrary. Pop Quiz, why are you such a boned fuckmonster? These opportunities are denied my stupid ass because you are one motherfucking shit and I am not a goddamn fucking bitch.

("Boned Fuckmonster"? How wonderful is "Boned Fuckmonster"?! I'm sure Dave Barry would agree that really *should* be the name of a rock band, but he couldn't say so in the family newspapers that carry his columns. "And now, ladies and gentleman, I present to you Threatened Manhood and his Boned Fuckmonsters!" *wild applause*)

Sorry, I got carried away. I hate to give him too much credit, since clearly he's one of those who would much rather blame others (and showcase his rather repetetive vocabulary of profanity), than get off his hairy ass and find some opportunities of his own.

And that's the last frothing moron I have for you in this collection. Please don't get encouraged, most oneliners and headcases get dumped. Not one of these was particularly original.

bon
(returning to some better letters now.)