Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

June 23, 2002

Hey there...

Just had a few thoughts about some of the "nice guys" out there. Myself being one of them.

I used to suffer from low self-esteem. While I came from a solid family, my friends all came from not-as-stable backgrounds, and would often use me as emotional support when the various things in life would cause them problems. (Boyfriend breaking up with them, Parents divorcing, deaths in the family, etc.). Being the nice guy that I am, I would help them out. As a result, I seemed to attract more problem cases. This affected my view on girls. I had the classic "rescuer" syndrome. I.E., I was looking for a girl to rescue all the time. And to be honest, it was worth it when they would smile after crying their eyes out, while hugging me, and say "You're such a good friend". It was worth it to know that I had helped them through a tough time. But, as you can imagine, my choices for the kind of girls I wanted to date were often based around how much I could recue them. Not healthy.

I recently was cured of the "rescuer" syndrome by my ex. After being "rescued", she promptly turned around and used emotional blackmail to "own" me. It got bad enough that she indirectly started demanding homework time. Finally, I've gotten to the point that I can be nice, outgoing, etc., but also define boundaries for myself.

Since then, I've gotten confidence in who I am. I am no longer looking at "rescuing" girls, and instead have started to look for girls who are confident in themselves. While reading your site, I realized that a truly healthy relationship depends on two people who are confident and strong in themselves coming together, not someone who is needy clinging onto someone for strength, or, worse yet, someone who is either equally as needy.

My question is this: am I still classified as "nice guy", or what? I genuinely like to see someone happy, but I don't over-extend myself. Where am I in your meter?

Just curious,
Joe

Hey Joe,

My first question to make you think would be why did you send this to ME rather than send it as an application to the site? Unfortunately the answer is that you don't see *yourself* as a Heartless Bitch. Why not? Are you having trouble, after learning to set boundaries, reconciling that at heart you do still want to help out? (I don't know of many Heartless Bitches who don't help out others in different ways.) Are you still thinking in terms of relationships with women rather than in terms of your own strengths? I don't know. Only you can answer that and take that further step. The point is that it's not all about the relationship with someone else, it's about the relationship and responsibility to yourself.

That said, the male members that I am acquainted with are very "nice" though obviously not the whinging "I'm a nice guy, why won't YOU..." et al. Why do you need to be "classified"? That sounds like scoring to me, and if all you want is to score...?

Your letter was pretty cool, but that last part really bothers me, because it harks back to the "nice guy"-itis in terms of them women not givin' up that access. Why should you be classified by us or anyone else, why are you throwing yourself on the altar of Heartless Bitch judgment? Why is it about what we rate you? That's just as wrong as if you're rating women in terms of what we'll "do" for you. And it shouldn't be a chess game of "someone happy" versus "I don't over-extend" in terms of results. Who the fuck are YOU, after all? Just another Joe? In our relationship, that of you with Heartless Bitches International, you aren't coming across as someone who is confident and strong in knowing yourself, but looking for classification and approval from us.

You ARE still way ahead of the game, because if you understand this, you're almost there. It's just a matter of developing yourself to match your understanding. That's what anyone has done who has had enough of the approval dance.

good luck, keep fighting the good fight,
bon