Neha
I know this application is certainly not the place where I should vent my anger, but if I don't I'll just burst. I'm so angry that I feel like screaming, breaking stuff and just acting wild. Instead I'm going to write to you; hoping that something positive will come out of it, something to motivate me and fight the brain washing I am fighting against.
Oh God, you girls really expect a lot from these guys! With some, like in my culture, it's not possible to get them to treat you as an equal. Just not possible for people like me, who come from a completely different society. Why I'm saying that? 'Cause I've been trying for the last two years to change the attitudes and behaviors of my man and his family and I'm realizing that they aren't ever going to see things differently.
It was an arranged marriage, and that's what it makes all this so tough. He is from an extremely traditional family - so traditional that the girls and women hardly go out except for going to temples and visiting relatives, and even then they are never alone. Consequently, the girls are utterly helpless and every single thing they do is approved by the men in the house. Forget choosing their husbands and lives, they don't even get to choose their own clothes! One girl I know has been cooking and doing all the house hold chores since she was 6 years old. Her parents were both well off, but she was sent to her maternal grandparents in order to 'learn' the chores. No wonder all they talk about is recipes and which chore they like best; for example, "My that brother-in-law really likes the way I cut veggies or I make xyz" and other such crap. After meeting them I really realised why girls in India are thought to be a curse. Their condition is worse than slaves and the society is built on perpetuating keeping them ignorant and dependent.
I have tried to help them. I asked the guys to serve themselves instead of the girls keeping a watch on their plates as they frequently 'forgot' which dish they had already eaten. I tried making changes in many small ways, after all every drop counts, but it all rebounded on me. I was accused of being "too forward" or "lazy". Helping in the house is a long way off my dears, these men won't even pour a glass of water for themselves.
As for respect, they have no idea what that word means. Of course parents are revered; they touch the feet of all the elders in the house including the women on festivals. They don't beat their women nor do they insult them. But is that all there is to respect? Shouldn't a woman participate when deciding something? Shouldn't women have the right to express their opinions, views, dreams? Until you can make even a word of this comprehensible to either the women or the men from such societies then I think women will never have ever a chance to truly live. And I say "live", because at this point, these women are nothing but zombies; they are machines whose only job is to serve their fathers, uncles, brothers, husbands and other assorted relatives, but they have no lives of their own.
I'm not writing in so that you help them. No, I'm the one who needs help. I refused to be the doormat for my husband. While he is a lot better than most of the other men in this society, he still won't help me out when I ask or support anything I want. I am expected to obey him to the last word. But I don't; and frankly I don't want to. I want a career, I want a life beyond the kitchen and family. I don't want my family or as of now, my husband, so dependent on me that he can't even find where is undies are. I have told him a thousand times to do things for himself, but in the end I have to drop whatever I'm doing and put whatever he is requiring in his hand. I'm sick of the idea that this kind of coddling and servitude is my 'duty'.
Lately I had had enough, so I refused to do many of my expected "duties" - for example I asked him to vacuum, and I let the house deteriorate for about 6 days. Whenever I ask him to do anything, even things like lifting something that is too heavy for me or retrieving something that is too high up for me to reach, I get told that *he* is doing important things and doesn't have time for such nonsense. I am tired of the fact that I get no support whatsoever. So I stopped being a goody-goody wife. Why should I? I can't buy anything because that means he will be telling everyone I'm a spend thrift; we don't eat in restaurants (we do eat in food malls and McDonald's) as we never have enough money - everything we manage to save goes in his family, which is apparently never enough. I've bought just two shirts, a few sweaters as it gets cold here and one dress...none worth more than AU$20 since we got married 2 years ago. Despite that, I'm still considered the spoiled brat, the spend thrift.
Why should I work my ass off for a family which looks greedily at me, expecting that one day I might bring home a fat salary (and give the bulk of it to them) or get a share of my rich parents property (so my husband can give it to them)? I have already refused that property, btw. They have done more then enough for me. My parents didn't give any dowry for me though, and for that I constantly have to hear things like "You are so lucky dear, we didn't take any dowry, but still we had to give, so when my second son marries I'll be demanding xxxxxxx". I insist on not giving any gifts to my in-laws, but my parents still shower them aplenty.
Since I refused to behave like a 'proper' wife, my husband is complaining to my parents and relatives about how irresponsible I am. I'm told to do as he wishes, be responsible and be a good wife. Why should I when that really equates to being his slave? I have my own mind, I will go out even when he is not feeling like it, and I should have the right to say no when I don't feel like doing something. I'm not asking for much, am I?
I want to be independent. I don't want to shrivel or just dry out like those other women out there. I don't want any hierarchical structure in my house. I want my husband and I to be equals. This how it should be, yet I am scolded for being an irresponsible, lazy person simply because I refuse to accept the status quo. I am not any of those things and I'm having a very difficult time.
I haven't ever considered anyone inferior to me or superior to me, but suddenly my parents have changed and are also criticising me and telling me to behave. They taught me to be strong when I was young, so why am I told to bend now?
I don't want to be just a "good wife", I want be ME, I want a life that *I* choose. I'm afraid that in 10 years, I may be just as conservative as these people if I don't find a way out now. God help me out of this; I hope I have the strength to do the RIGHT things, rather than just the traditional, "acceptable" things.
Country: Australia
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