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So far as I can tell, a Heartless Bitch must be the sort of person who does not fear conflict. Such a person must be strong, level-headed, realistic, assertive, and unwilling to be manipulated. As a professional musician, I have to be all these things and more. Probably I can sum it up best by showing you why I'm an excellent music teacher and band leader.
There's more to strength than the ability to dish out criticism or verbal abuse. Strength also manifests as self-control, dedication, and self-discipline. A lot of unexpected, disappointing things happen in the music business, and the industry attracts more than its share of people with ethical problems and personality disorders. When faced with one of these, a weak person will knuckle under, flake out, or do something passive-aggressive. A moderately strong person will fight fire with fire. An extremely strong, disciplined person will keep her cool and find a solution to the problem. That's not to say that displays of anger are never appropriate: at times, they are, but those times are extremely rare. Knowing when, and how, to get angry is extremely important. This is how a strong person exerts control over herself, and over the things she can and should control in the world around her. Of course, to correctly recognize what those things are requires realism.
Realism is a point in the middle of a spectrum between cynicism and idealism. While I've got no faith whatsoever in humanity as a whole, having seen too much of the stupid things people do when they're in groups, I've found that some individuals can and do display loyalty, honesty, and all the other positive attributes a cynic doesn't believe in. Yet I'm not so idealistic that I expect people to magically change from self-absorbed jerks into people I'd care to have hang out with me. I've got a very good grasp of where my influence over other people begins and ends, and this is what allows me to identify things that are beyond my control, so that I can refuse to accept responsibility for them.
The acceptance of appropriate responsibility (particularly when this is major responsibility) does not preclude the rejection of inappropriate responsibility. In order to reject inappropriate responsibility (such as responsibility over another adult's drinking habits or timeliness), a person must be assertive. I've often got to be assertive in business, because I have to ask for the sale, and then I have to get my customers to pay on time. If I don't do these two things, I don't eat. So a passive attitude won't work for me. Neither will an aggressive attitude. Much of my income comes from teaching music to other people, particularly children. Aggressive teachers don't inspire children, they terrify them.
When I teach, I must correctly identify inappropriate behavior and correct it. Whining, slacking off, and avoiding responsibility aren't an option. My interpersonal style is usually quite gentle, but nobody gets to flake out on me or walk all over me.
Standards are important to me. I'm committed to being the very best that I can be, and to bringing out the very best in my band, or my students, or anyone else who works for me. Anyone who works with me accepts that on the first day. My jam sessions are alcohol and tobacco free, and I enforce a drug free policy in my band. This puts me at odds with wanna-be "musicians" whose talent and work ethic went up in a puff of odd-smelling smoke years ago, and who want to use me, and my band, and my resources, to act out their rock-star fantasies or their mistaken belief that the word "party" is a verb. I don't tolerate power struggles within the band. Every band has to have a leader, and when that leader is me, I get arbitrary sometimes. I don't give endless rounds of "last chances". I've fired people for missing rehearsals, and for failing to practice. I don't get any sick pleasure out of firing people but I'm unwilling to have my quest for excellence dragged down by someone else's commitment to mediocrity. I don't ask anyone to do what I'm not willing to do myself, but I'm unwilling to do their work for them. This, I think, is what makes me a "Bitch".
My best Heartless Bitch quality has to be my lack of willingness to be manipulated. There are people out there who enjoy being manipulated, and who seek out opportunities to be a victim. I tried that early on in life, before I realized there were other options, and didn't like it. So I don't string myself along in business or personal relationships. I can and will give people the benefit of a small amount of doubt, and I do a fair bit of charity work, yet I also have the ability to say: "No, and it's completely unreasonable of you to ask." This, I believe, is what makes me a "Bitch".
The roughest part of being a Heartless Bitch has got to be fending off the sob stories. I *do* feel bad for a student who's just lost a job, or for a band member who "tries and tries", but who just can't get his entries right two nights in a row. But I can't let my sympathy for such people come before the music. The broke student must take a few weeks off from lessons; the incompetent musician must find another gig. I'll definitely work with someone who's having trouble and give them a chance to turn it around, but if they can't turn it around and I have to choose between putting the music first and putting the human being first, I put the music first every time. This is what makes me "Heartless".
All of these qualities make me extremely good at conflict, and therefore not afraid of it.
Country: United States
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