Roxanne
I am a Heartless Bitch because I have had no choice but to become one. And don't think I believe that to be a bad thing. In fact, it was a relief to know that this was a choice.
I had the usual bullshit baggage a lot of women my age have: be nice at all cost, help those poor emotionally deficient men until it hurts, dress nice (as defined by whatever insipid magazine that stared at me in the grocery line), and, above all, shut up or someone will call you a Bitch.
I never really liked these rules, even as a girl. I busted out of the norm and tried to push the paradigm whenever I could. And I was rewarded for it! I had intelligent conversations, I had interesting friends, I was intellectually stimulated, ...... but when guys wanted to ask someone to the dance, it was never me. Some guys liked who I was, until we got "serious"; then they wanted someone else. I should say, they wanted me to be someone else. They usually wanted a "girl" who was content to be a housewife (not that there is anything wrong with housewives - I just didn't want to be one). Or they became suddenly critical of my choices. "Why do you always have to argue with my friends?" ( I thought we were debating an issue, not arguing). I talked too much, laughed too loudly, drew attention to myself, just had to be the wittiest one at the table... (Maybe I was the wittiest one at the table! Did you ever think of that?)
I had always heard that people in relationships had to make compromises, so I guess I started to change my ways. I am not proud of this, but I slowly turned into some other person whenever I was in a serious relationship. The good thing is, I didn't really change inside; I only changed what I showed to people. The bad part is that, in trying to suppress the person I am, I drove myself into deep, ugly places. I bottled up, turned away from my real self, and came to live with what Winston Churchill called "the black dog". "The devil", "the noon-day demon", "the abyss" - whatever euphemisms you want to use. I have depression, and I have lived with it for a long long time. There is a lot of mental illness in my family, so I believe I have always had the propensity for it. But I came to comprehend just how my choices have exacerbated it.
Friendships with most women were difficult, too. Why didn't I care about hair, make-up? Why did I want to go to University? And the worst one, "I just don't understand politics/economics/feminists/ ____________. (You fill in the blank).
This "be nice at all cost" shit had to stop. Ignoring my "self" because I wanted to be liked was crap. Most of all, being afraid to be called a Bitch was non-sensical; I had looked at it as being bad, when, in fact, it is a badge of honour.
If I laugh too loud and it makes you uncomfortable, SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
If you don't like me criticizing your ideas in a debate, FIND SOMEONE DUMBER THAN YOU.
If I am kind to you, and you think this means I am attracted to you so you ask me out, and I politely decline, GET THE HINT AND ASK SOMEONE ELSE OUT.
If I am by myself in a Blues bar, DON'T ASSUME I AM ON THE PROWL. Maybe I just like the Blues.
If I am not in a relationship, DON'T PITY ME. I like my own company, and I certainly prefer it to settling for someone, like most of the people I know do.
And, yes, I am smart and I do inform myself. I even like being an activist. AND YOUR POINT IS......?
I will always try kindness first, in dealing with people who assume something I did not mean. But when that fails, as it often does, I am no longer afraid to just spit it out. And I often just use direct language right from the beginning. "Sure you can sit here, as long as you understand that sitting here does not mean I want to go home with you, I am desperate for company, or I even want to sit and chat all night".
As they walk away, muttering, "Bitch", I just smile and think "Oh well".
Country: Canada
Yes! I want to read more from Real Life Heartless Bitches
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