Peggy
A bit of background on me: I didn't change my name when I got married. Not too
unusual, I suppose. It didn't seem like such a big deal to me, either, but it
caused and still causes a surprising amount of aggravation even fourteen years
later. My in-laws call me by my husband's name. I can't renew the license on
his car because we don't have the same last name. A guy once told me he
thought it showed a lack of commitment to my marriage (my decade-plus of
matrimony, three kids, two dogs and a mortgage apparently didn't count as
commitment). People have told me with surprise that they didn't think that was
even legal. And I get tired of explaining it over and over to various
strangers who don't believe we're married or that I have a right to use his
credit card or he has a right to use mine. But when I was young and dating I
would use it as a kind of barometer of my boyfriends' attitudes. I had several
long-term relationships of two years or more, and I would at some point b ring
up my determination to keep my own name. Invariably these guys I thought I
knew well, that I thought were "the one" (I was quite young at the time) would
get all offended and shocked. Then I met the guy who would become my husband.
When we'd been dating long enough for the subject of eventual marriage to be
raised, I brought up the name-change topic. Far from being shocked, his
response was, "So?" I knew I had found the guy for me, a guy who was confident
and secure enough to figure out that my name was *my* name and I could do what
I pleased with it, a guy who had a clue, a genuine REAL Nice Guy. My point
being: I'm not a man-hater, I just prefer men who GET it.
I'm a game programmer. This is an industry that is generally pretty
misogynistic, although my company makes kids games so it's not so bad here.
I've been known to send many rants to upper management, game designers, and
marketing when they try to do things like take the girl characters out of the
game box art because "boys won't buy a game with a girl on the box", or make a
girl character into a boy because "boys won't play a game with a girl
character", or decide that a really cool game should be marketed only to boys.
I've stood up to management and complained when I've been forced to endure booth
babes in our booths at conferences even though we make kids games, and I've made
enemies here because of my generally opinionated and outspoken attitude.
Although it's true I've also gained some admirers for those same qualities.
I've stood up all alone to friends, relatives and acquaintances when they've
said or done things I disagreed with, even though others that agree with me have
sat beside me and remained silent.
I've been labeled a bitch many many times, and it would be easier not to do it.
I'm not particularly brave, my hands shake and sweat each time I know I'll have
to stand up for what I believe, and yet I do it because I think it needs to be
done. And I make enemies every time.
I make enemies each time I say that I believe religion is a dangerous thing,
that it has been the cause of more heartache, pain and death than any war,
famine or disease in history. I don't think it has to be that way, but it has
been.
I make enemies when I rail against those who complain that White American Males
are under attack, or that schools are somehow flawed because girls are suddenly
doing better on tests, or that Title IX must be changed because men's wrestling
programs have been cancelled.
I make enemies when I say that my children should not "just ignore it or it will
go away", that they should fight back against bullies, because they never go
away if you "just ignore it", no matter what the books say.
I get funny looks when I let my children dress themselves(even if the clothes
don't match), order for themselves in restaurants (even if they don't always
order something they'll like), say what they think, and speak up and say so if
they disagree with what an adult is saying. We get all kinds of funny looks
when my kids and I laugh out loud together in public places. But I disregard
the funny looks because I want them to grow up to be people who are not afraid
to speak their minds, not afraid to make choices and live with them, and not
afraid to be themselves no matter who might be watching. I also want them to go
their mom one step better - to be people whose hands don't sweat when the time
comes to step up and say the words that need to be said.
I don't pretend to be a crusader. Someone once said to me when I was just a
kid, "You know, you can't change the world!" I do know that. But I feel I can
change my corner of it, and if everyone does that, it's enough.
So am I a heartless bitch? I'm a bitch when I need to be, and when I hear some
clueless moron call me that after I've done the right thing, and spoken whatever
piece needed to be said, it makes me feel good. Because if he's attacking me
personally, that means he can't attack my argument, and the argument is the
important thing.
Yes! I want to read more from Real Life Heartless Bitches
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