Bad Sex...

 

By Natalie and Fabulana

 

If you aren't still a virgin, then at some point you've had it. You know... the REALLY BAD SEX. Sometimes the only way you can talk about it is if you are plied with alcohol. Other experiences are just so funny, you HAVE to tell someone.

 

The thing that may surprise most guys is that while men may talk about sex in the locker rooms in euphemistic terms, (and we know they are renowned for lying to their buddies), Heartless Bitches talk about sex with other women in EXPLICIT, GRAPHIC, terms, and they NEVER LIE. 

 

Think about it guys.  Girls DO kiss and tell. We talk about penis size. We talk about kissing techniques.  We talk about love-making techniques and fucking techniques. We talk about guys who are incredible in bed, and where appropriate, we laugh like hell at the ones who were just terrible. Heartless as we are, we DO cut some slack for the new or inexperienced guys. They're not the type that end up getting skewered by the Heartless Bitch wit.

 

So how does a guy get it on with a Heartless Bitch without fear that he’s going to be the laughing stock later?  Every woman has her likes and dislikes, so no technique for sex is universal – no matter what they try to sell you in books and magazines…. but we can start by providing a list of DON’Ts.  These are the things we agree turn us off completely.

 

DON’T forget hygiene!  Take some time in the bathroom BEFORE you get her in the bedroom and CLEAN UP.  Wash a bit down there fer chrissakes!  I can’t think of a bigger turn off than a guy who hasn’t wiped his ass properly…  And wash your hands thoroughly before – maybe you were cutting up jalapeno peppers, or maybe your hands are just dirty – but I don’t need to experience either the pain or a yeast infection because you didn’t take the time to wash up…

 

And on that note, for the beardless, DON’T FORGET TO SHAVE.  Jake Gyllenhall was quoted as saying that his experience kissing co-star Heath Ledger in “BrokeBack Mountain” was “Exfoliating”.  I laughed my ass off at that. At LAST!  A man finally TRULY experiences what it is like to kiss a guy who hasn’t shaved. Karma, I tell you! Now if EVERY man could experience that just once, maybe they’d be a bit more understanding.  Stubble isn’t sexy. It’s lazy and it’s painful. Kissing is NO FUN with stubble.  It HURTS.  And you aren’t getting anywhere near my clit with serious stubble. 

(and here’s a word to the wise:  Shaving with a blade makes a guy MUCH more kissable).

 

DON’T start “talking dirty” the first time you get her in bed. Or even the second.  Some girls like that – but you need to take time to figure out if that’s part of the play or not.  Don’t immediately assume it is a turn on for her because you heard some guy do it in a porn flick. Most guys who try to "talk dirty" just sound dumb.

 

Unless your relationship was started out of a mutual interest in kink, DON’T suggest anything remotely kinky the first time in bed – or for that matter until you know the person REALLY REALLY well.

 

DON'T give me an Olympic gold medal routine of all your best moves with the LAST girlfriend; I don't want to walk a mile in her figure skates when we're in bed. If I can tell you EXACTLY what your last girlfriend was into after having sex with you, you're not paying enough attention to ME. A new partner is a discovery, not a replacement, and each experience is a new one. That's not to say you have to reinvent the wheel with every new partner, or that it isn't useful to develop technique over time (we give thanks, indeed, to all those who went before!). We just don't want a mechanical performance, no matter what the artistic merit. Good intimacy involves being PRESENT in the moment.

 

DON’T withhold all sounds and emotions.  Would you like it if she just laid there and made NO noise, and did NOTHING to give you feedback?  If you like something, let her know!  You don’t have to scream like an out-control-hyena, but don’t hold everything back either. God knows, we have no desire to fuck a corpse.

 

DON’T jam your fingers up her crotch and see how many you can stuff in there.   Most men have NO idea what to do with their hands and are exceedingly clumsy when it comes to “fingering” women.  Let her guide you. If she likes it, she’ll indicate where and how. 

 

DON’T forget that the labia, clitoris and vagina are sensitive areas.  If you are in the midst of foreplay remember: Just because a woman is turned on and responding, doesn’t mean you should start jamming your fingers harder and harder into her crotch (with or without clothing).  Firm, gentle pressure is sufficient... Pay attention to her responses!

 

DON’T mention how big your penis is.  EVER.  Phrases like, “Oooh baby, I’m gonna give you all eight inches!” are likely to induce fits of giggling if not immediately, then certainly later when she is with her girlfriends. ESPECIALLY if you are substantially less than the quoted inches.  Believe it or not, we DO have some clue how big eight inches is.

 

Unless you are waiting for a call from a dying relative, or you are on pager duty for work, DON’T take a phone call in the middle of sex.   ESPECIALLY not on the first night you spend with someone.

 

Unless you’ve said it outside of the bedroom, DON’T use the “I love you” phrase IN the bedroom. Or on the kitchen table, or on the sofa, or anywhere else you decide to have sex.

 

DON’T immediately assume the woman wants you to go down on her without asking. Sure some girls really enjoy it but for others, it's a surefire way to give her a yeast infection. Not everyone's the same and until you know my personality and my anatomy better you could at least ask, and don't act like it's a blow to your ego (pun intended) if it's not what *I* want.

 

DON’T do anything for her if YOU don’t like it, but you think it’s something she wants. That’s akin to a mercy fuck, and what self-respecting Heartless Bitch wants that? Be honest; if you really aren't into something, don't try it just because you think you are supposed to "service" your woman. This isn't an auto bay and you aren't the mechanic. MY pleasure isn't something you do to me, it's something I feel, so don't try to take macho credit for it (i.e., "who's your daddy?"). The best sex is going to be with someone who gets off on their partner's arousal and overall warm feelings.  Baby, if you don’t LOVE what you are doing, don’t do it.  I’ve got a vast and varied repertoire.  We don’t have to do anything that doesn’t completely turn you on.

 

Apropos, be comfortable with your own desires, and be able to give AND TAKE pleasure. Nothing has a more chilling effect on the male sex drive than confusion (and believe us, this little secret works wonders if what you really want is to shut down the machinery!). In the consensual playpen, if you're confused, ASK. If what you're doing ain't working, don't look at US like WE'RE the problem. When the nonverbal communication breaks down, that's what words are for. If you avoid the "macho mechanic" and "gold medal figure skater" mentalities, it shouldn't come to this anyway.

 

DON’T get all huffy if she wants to touch herself or control her own pleasure in any way, as if that takes agency and masculine power away from you!  That's my biggest peeve. Guys who think your pleasure is something that they DO TO you, rather than something YOU EXPERIENCE. The means becomes more important to them than the ends. That's when you know the sex with you is really all about them--laying you makes them a bigger man, or something.  We see it a lot in immature men.

 

DON’T “command” her to come.  If she wants to come, she’ll come. Heartless Bitches are very good at directing traffic and letting you know what they need. They are not there to put on a command performance for you.  And here’s a newsflash – sometimes it’s not all about the orgasm. Sometimes, the journey is more important than the destination.  After all, that’s what tantra is all about…

 

That being said, DON’T forget about her pleasure completely and treat her like a sex toy.  You are having sex with a PARTNER – another PERSON… make sure you remain involved in that and get so caught up in your own pleasure that you forget the other person is there.  It isn’t all about you and it isn’t all about her.

 

DON’T assume that only the front of a person is sexy, or that if she turns her back to you, she’s done.  Hello! It COULD be Invitation City...

 

Basically the worst sexual encounters we have had involve someone whose repressed or macho attitudes get in the way of intimacy. Sex is an intimate experience at its best (by definition--duh) so there is nothing enticing or fun about mechanical performance freaks who've been drilled to think they know what women want. The idea that you can know me based on whatever you've heard or done before is insulting, and unimaginative.  

 

And if this list isn't long enough for you, check out the original "How Not to be a Bad Lover" list.