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How the Internet Saved (my) Christmas

by Marguerite

 

I view the mall as a waste at the best of times. During the holidays, which seem to now be from Halloween to January, it’s a special kind of hell. The crowds of cranky people, the jockeying for parking, the pop-star-of-the-month Christmas covers, the aggressive or stressed-out sales people… it all makes me psychotic.

 

I also resent the pressure to find “the perfect gift,” and last-minute-shopping makes my teeth grind.

 

All of the aside, I do enjoy the holidays. In order to not have my Christmas ruined by the malls and the overpriced shops downtown and the shiny junk and the lines, I do it all online. It’s heartless and geeky and efficient and it lets me take the time to make candy cane cookies because I’m not a) at the mall or b) waiting for Deathwing to post bail for me because of an “incident” at the mall.

 

Just call me Ebenezer:

 

Buy Christmas cards online. Buy Christmas music online. Buy a wreath. Buy Christmas lights. Buy paper. Have it delivered to your door while you watch White Christmas for the millionth line, singing along to the “Sisters” song, making sure to glare menacingly at your sister’s boyfriend while grinding out “Woe to the mister who comes between me and my sister…”

 

Buy stamps online. In fact, calculate shipping online and buy and print your shipping labels online. Then drop your package in the mail box on the corner and avoid the holiday rush. Heck, you can look up zip codes and fill out customs forms… you can do it all.

 

Or you can ship directly to recipients, which especially if you’re using…

 

 “Wish Lists” at different stores. Shop via catalogue to find pants in your sister’s size, because you know that mall will be sold out of the size and color she wants and the sales clerk will be busy with the ten million other people in the store all doing last minute shopping. Peruse other people’s wish lists. Direct different relatives to each other’s wish lists when they messenger to say “I don’t know what to get your sister and while I have you here what did you say to the Muffin Man when the three of you were watching White Christmas because he was acting all huffy…”

 

Conspire with your sister via e-mail to get something cool for your mom once she’s forgiven you for “threatening” her boyfriend.

 

Give to charity online. Sign up to work at a soup kitchen online.

 

Buy tickets online to see The Nutcracker. Comparison shop at different sites. Look up recipes. Save your time and gas for the good parts and avoid the spirit-breaking shopping centers.

 

Awaiting the Christmas hate mail from the malls,

 

Marguerite

 



Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2005
Copying or reproduction (in whole or in part) on any medium (such as in print or on the web) is expressly forbidden without written permission from HBI

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