Email Responses to: You Think You Are So Special...

To: Annesthesia
Feb 13, 2002

Hi,

I just wanted to thank you for your articles on the Heartless Bitches website - "You Think You are so Special" and "Poly People I Can do Without".

I recently ended a relationship with a master manipulator for 3 years. He was separated from and divorcing his xW when we met (took him 2 years). His favorite saying of late is "I could be faithful to the RIGHT woman." Nice, huh. I'm embarassed to say I moved across the country to be with him. It was all downhill from there... ("Especially after you two move intogether. It IS especially hard on him having a long-distance relationship. He wouldn't be talking about how hard it is to keep up the intensity and connectedness over such a distance. He wouldn't be implying that the relationship might not last if you don't move in together... He wouldn't have some kind of hidden agenda around that. He wouldn't be trying to subtley manipulate you, and get you worried about losing him, like he did with the others. He just REALLY CARES for you, and really wants the two of you to be together.")

My God, you could have written "Special" about him. Although I've known for a while that he is manipulative and controlling, I overlooked a lot of the signs you pointed out. Things I thought were "nice" about him, now I see were very controlling. Until now I've thought of him as such a nice person, with just some "problems." The other women he's preyed on over the years. All weak, needy, and madly in love with him. And most were conveniently married. Of course I was "special" - I wasn't one of them. Out of all the books and resources I've turned to for help, your articles hit me like a ton of bricks. I now understand, which I feel will be the first step in my recovery.

I think my expectations and dreams were so high, especially after totally changing my life to move here and be with him, that I put up with A LOT more crap from him that I would have ever imagined. I'm amazed at the things I didn't pick up on, like him telling me his old girlfriends (some of who live here) didn't think things would work out between us. I thought he was CONFIDING in me - I never dreamed he was MANIPULATING me. But that's exactly what he was doing - that's one of the main reasons I've been so reluctant to give up, because I didn't want THEM to win. That's scary to think there are a lot of men out there like this, although you're probably right. No one would EVER guess my X was this way.

Before I moved here to live with him someone called me and warned me about him. They said if I moved here things would get very ugly because of the other women. I already had my doubts. Of course he said they were evil people out to ruin him, and I believed him. But it did put me on guard, which is probably how I found out so much, and realized the truth, so quickly.

He told me his ex-wife was so cold and unemotional, and she didn't appreciate him at all. He tried and tried all those years, bless his heart. Later I saw a box of cards ( yeah, I snooped) his wife had sent him over the years. They were SO full of love and compassion. After what he had told me I was absolutely shocked that her thoughts to him were so loving. I couldn't imagine how he had been so wrong about her. Duh!

And yes, my ex misses his adult son too!

I know he's already told people things. Several months ago he told me his secretary (who's a real sweetheart) would love to see us work things out, "If only that poor C. weren't so screwed up in the head." I actually LAUGHED, because it was so absurd, but he just gave me this puzzled look, and I realized she really thought that because of God knows what he told her!

We have a pattern of breaking up, me distancing and him pursuing. And me taking him back because I know it will be different this time. No more. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You've helped me so much. I am an incredibly competent 44 year old woman who has a wonderful career, every resource at her fingertips, many friends who would love to help, on and on... but your article touched me to the core. It - you - made a difference in my life. I just want you to know that. Thanks.

C.