I’m sick and tired of
people who have consistently failed marriages, trying to convince me that I should open myself up to the wonders of matrimonial bliss. People who have FAILED marriages
preaching about the joys of marriage? WTF?! Is it a case of "misery loves company"?
Am I the only one who sees this irony in this?
Ok, so here’s the
Reader’s Digest version of me:
I’m 33 years
old. I’ve been in serious
relationships, but never "took the plunge."
For the simple fact that I wasn't ready! It was not for lack of opportunity; trust me, I’ve got a loooong
history of dating monkeys and all I can say is thank God for seeing the ways of
the true Heartless Bitch or I’d be God knows where with God knows who. I fully admit that I picked some real
freakish sorts to date, and in the words of a great friend "my picker was
broken." I shudder to even think what
could have been with any one of them; but that is a four-beer story for another
time.
I’m a full-time
college student with graduation literally right around the corner, and I’m also
a career girl. I am in mid-management
and currently work in the software industry.
Considering that I’m pulling 20+ credits a semester and working at the
minimum of a 10 hour day – you tell me when I have the time to date. My latest hobby is sleep.
All of that being
said, here’s the latest experience I had with divorced marriage pushers:
There was an early
graduation party held for the graduates of my family, and it appeared that the
theme of the day was to get me "hitched" with any old Jed Clampett that could
be found. Ok, another admission; I live
in a state that is a little backwoods. The Good ‘Ole Boy’s Network is in
full effect in the Northern part of the state, which is where I lived for a
stint and also where the events described occurred. While I’m at the admissions, I would also say that the pickin’s
are slim because corn-fed, chew-can-ring-around-the-pocket tote’n pig riders
don’t do anything for me. (Yeah, I have STANDARDS.)
Anyway, prior to even
arriving to my grad party I ran into a man that I once new. He shook my hand and then immediately looked
at the other hand to inspect it for traces of gold.
Seeing that there was none, he asked
me, "Well?! Aren’t you married
yet?"
I laughed, "Why? Do I have to be?"
Surprised, he responded with, "Well I just
assumed that you’d be hitched by now."
Hitched. Great.
Horses get hitched, not people, and certainly not me.
"Nope, sorry to disappoint; why do I have to
be married anyway? What does it even
matter?" I snorted.
He responded with
some silly dissertation about how it was clear to him that I could have my
"pick of the litter" he was also sure to include a comment that marriage was
good for people. This coming from a man
who has two previous marriages under his belt and is currently married to
Bielzabitch herself. I’d wager that he
lost a small fortune with both of his divorces and the latest one is working
the bank account into lather. At that
point I just shrugged the conversation off as small town busy-talk and went on
about my business.
I arrived at the
party later that afternoon where the questions and comments about my marital
status were starting to make made my head pound. "Are you married?" "You should get married." "Why aren’t you married yet???"
Interestingly enough,
EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE PACKING AT LEAST ONE DIVORCE UNDER THEIR
BELTS. What is even more interesting is
that those who had either never been married, or had been married to the same
person for "x" number of years never even brought up the subject of matrimony
with me.
I even had one person
who decided it was her job to provide me with dating tips, including the
oh-so-helpful, "you know it’s the one when your toes curl when you kiss." Great.
That’s perfect - in about 30 years my toes will be curled due to
fucking rheumatoid arthritis, jackass.
I’m sure THAT will provide a lifetime of marital bliss. Curly-kissey-toes. Fucking brilliant.
All of these comments
and questions on my marital status really started me thinking how hypocritical
it was for those who clearly did not succeed the first few times, (and for several, their current "success" was
highly in doubt), to be so generously dishing out "advice", and even worse, trying to
convince me that marriage was a wonderful institution- one that I should apparently be in a rush to check myself into.
In retrospect, I
should have gone toting a verbal suitcase full of retorts and some hefty return advice. Hindsight being what it is, let me just make up for it now by
providing some of MY own tips for those that are packing divorce decrees in one
hand and a wad full of marriage "guidance" in the other:
Unless you can
provide sound, sage advice that comes with the wisdom of learning the errors of
your ways and FULLY understanding and OWNING your own marital failures don’t
try to marry me off or counsel me on relationships!
The track record of the multi-divorced tells me that they know zip.point.shit
about successful relationships. I’d
recommend not a third, fourth, or umpteenth wife, but a hamster instead.
