As an offshoot of the "Things that make us want to Lose our Lunches" page, we
decided to add this tribute to the truly schmaltzy and insipid. Be sure you
haven't eaten for at least 2 hours prior to viewing the page(s) listed here.
They're REVOLTING.
Note that the sites listed here are for your entertainment only.
Heartless Bitches International does NOT in any way condone abuse or harassment
of the owners of sites listed on this page - hell, we haven't even emailed them
ourselves, and quite frankly, we don't care to. No malice is intended, we merely
"review" publicly published websites for content and style and provide editorial
comment.
Is she a witch? Is she a queen? Is she a nightingale? Is she queen of the witches? Is she princess of the darkness? However she imagines herself, this girl is the victim of too many bad novels, vampire movies and trailers for Marie Antoinette. Let’s all giggle and squeal in preadolescent delight at:
(thanks to Tara for this submission)
Nothing wrong with a little love, romance, flattery, and flowers- hey, we’re
heartless, not dead from the neck up or the waist down. However, this pathetic
schnook seems to think that overdosing his true love in mawkish,
overwrought drivel with references to Lord of the Rings will somehow win
her heart. Personally, I find this not just sappy but creepy - remember the RED FLAG LIST?
Remember the one about guys who are SO needy that you are responsible for their
entire happiness? I have two words of advice for his lady love:
RESTRAINING ORDER.
If you can read any of these poems without a) retching; b) saying oh GAK! c) recoiling at the horror or d) all of the above, I salute you and with the Cast Iron Stomach Award. Even I wasn't that strong, since I did both B and C. But I have to admit that anyone who can actually write this stuff deserves some kind of prize: the Iron Nads award for actually putting it on the web!
Could this girl be any more deluded? Want to bet her cutesy bedroom is
awash in photos of movie stars like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and
Lindsey Lohan? (She quotes from Notting Hill: add Julia Roberts to her
photo gallery). Want to bet she sleeps with dolls and stuffed animals?
She's hoping to replace that with a guy,I imagine, but in spite of her
being an adult it sounds like the heavy breathing of a teenage diary.
Wanna bet she's married in a year to some shmuck she barely knows and
then writes another blog about how great it is to be married? And then
how great it is to be a mommie? I can hardly wait. Some real Gems here
from our Gidget: "Love is like a butterfly...the more you pursue it, the
more it eludes you." Obviously she's been reading Whitman....
Remember the puke scene from the Exorcist? You can recreate that by eating a large dinner and then perusing this treasure. If you can stay focused on their tedious "how we met:" chronicle, see if you can hold down your gorge and read their "Love Quotes." An example: "The Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay... love isn't love until you give it away." "Love reminds you that nothing else matters." Wow...they must have searched Bon Jovi and Celine Dion lyrics for hours to find those gems. And just when we thought we'd never have to see those "Love is" cartoons from the 70s...
You know the old story- women all want rotten guys who treat them like
crap while nice guys sit alone saturday nights. Awwww! That's the premise
of this self-pitying drivel. There is some truth to it- we all know
women with rotten self-esteem who think they deserve to be treated like
crap. The problem here is that like most self-confessed, self-pitying
nice guys, this shnook thinks it's because all women are stupid, shallow
airheads. Maybe they aren't interested in him because he's a goober who
probably lives for the next Comic book and sci-fi convention? Or that
he's dull and looks like a couch potato? And yet he expects women who
look like pinups to fall all over him. No, it's got to be our
fault...because we don't care about what's INSIDE. As if he does. And he
should know that if he wants sympathy, he could at the very least try to
make his comic strip FUNNY.
This page is a trauma in itself! It's one thing to live through
sad time and want to share your thoughts with others. But can't we have
some dignity?
Must we rely on drippy music, cliches, images of fairies, kitties,
bunnies and sunsets? Not to mention dreary testimonials, wretched
poetry and of course, finding the Lord. It's a good thing I'm
hardened after 6 years of Sappy Sites, otherwise I'd be running
to the nearest trauma counselor.
Obviously,this bored Texas housewife imagines herself as Carrie Bradshaw.
Check out the sister site "Musings" and read about her oh-so
enthralling domestic details, and treat yourself to her 'sexy' self-portrait
photos.ABut of course, as she reminds us, she is more than just a
'pair of big boobs.' She is also an author of erotica!Unfortunately,
her 'erotica' is about as exciting as doing the laundry.If sex were
really like this, I'd plug myself up with cement. To add to the
hellish atmosphere, this is all accompanied by the same music you hear
at the supermarket.
This is the winner of the Valentine's day Sickening Site contest. No it's
not Celine Dion and her husband, but they're just as gross. Scroll down and
read Art's biblical musings about his lady love, such as "Wife and Mother"
(she has the gift of motherhood) and her sordid past with her ex-husband
(Justice?) and guess what- "She's Having my Baby!" So then why am *I* having
morning sickness?
Unfortnately, we got very few submissions, so I had to pick a site myself.
Thanks a lot bitches- think this was EASY OR FUN?? Brecchhhh....
We all wonder how parents could have let their kids stay with Michael
Jackson. Well, as we all know, parents constantly do horrible, humiliating
things to their kids that will land them on therapists' couches in the
years to come. Like this Family web page from hell. Check out "Jayson's
Page" where he describes his own birth in the first person, and which
includes a lovely photo of the afterbirth. Good luck in high school, kids!
This site is not sappy as in sentimental, but sappy as in pathetic,
self-pitying tripe. Every once in a while we get one of these guys-
remember Mr Dangerous from way back? Warped, misogynistic losers who blame
women for rejecting them and spend their time writing lame missives on how
it's all the fault of shallow, greedy, vacant, materialistic witches. Of
course, it's certainly not because of HIS personality, or perhaps that no
woman of any intelligence or taste wants to go near him. OR that he has
LOSER written all over his puss. Particularly insightful are the "gallery
of rejection" and "The Ladder Theory."
Yes, in the Good Old USA where teens are constantly being told of the evils
of contraception and abortion, where sex education is nonexistent, and
where teen pregnancy rate in among the highest of the industrialized world,
young women are taking control of their lives- with abstinence! Yep, they
pledge their lives to jesus and remain children forever. Read "Letter to my
future husband" and "Celebrity virgins."
Or they can always hook up with one of THESE guys (link to "friendsbeyondthewall.com" now defunct)
and have a nice, celibate relationship until he's paroled. They're virgins, he
wants a princess, why not?
Sept 30th, 2002
This airhead is so typical of the kids being raised by today's
overindulgent parents, who send their kids into the world supplied with
money, cars, credit cards- and no clue about how any of it works. I know a
middle aged cashier who is helping HER 24 year old daughter pay off a
credit card debt. The only people dumber than our Karyn are the ones who
send her money.
Save us From Karyn's Stupidity!
July 21st, 2002
It's a sad state of affairs. Women in their 20s, pursuing higher education-
with literary and cultural depth of 12 year olds, not to mention 5th grade
spelling skills. Aren't you a bit old for Anne of Green Gables, and isn't
it time you learned to spell? You're in college now!
New Found Slop!
May 19th, 2002
There is no way this guy will meet the soulmate he seeks. One reason is
that no woman will have a strong enough stomach to get through page after
page of this torturous, self absorbed sludge. The other is that the woman
he seeks only exists on late night cable tv pud-pullers. However, there are
some treasures, such as "sex is the marriage of love and God", "nothing in
the world is more important than a person." He questions the way "women
show their love" and yet has stylish neo-porn photos on his 'Journey
Within'. "It is comforting to be with a woman when I go to a local
entertainment in NYC," he muses. You mean, like peepshows? Seems so:
"Sometimes I just need a woman I can look at." One can only imagine the
art in his waiting room.
Note: "The Doctor's Pathetic Masturbatory Fantasies!" is no longer with us - he has probably taken his quest to ICQ!
April 28th, 2002
One of the saddest things about Sept 11 is that everyone feels they must
express themselves on the topic, no matter how talentless they are. This
shnook is no exception, as witnessed in "Kamikaze Destruction", where he
tells us he once worked in the World Trade Center - but doesn't say what he
did or who he worked for. Well, NYC is full of poets who work as security
guards or waiters. And do we really WANT to know about his "Sensual world?"
Notice the eyeball-destroying yellow type- a lovely touch. Thanks for HBI
sympathizer Diana Graham for this week's SSOTW!
Love Poet's World of Inane Drivel!
April 21st, 2002
This one is of my choosing. Note the satiny, over-the-top backgrounds, the
trailer-park music selection, and the garish, cheesy illustrations which
vary between neo-porn to romance novel cover. All of which accompanies some
deliriously awful, tortuously sappy poetry. And then, of course, just to
assure you that you're in white-trash heaven- bible quotes and parables!
(Alas! "Angel Rose's Beloved Cheesefest!" is no more...)
March 10th, 2002
I kept looking for the "adult content", which happens when you click on the
"back" or "next" buttons at the top of this page. However, the rest of the
pages listed below are equally sappy, tacky, drippy and pathetic,
regardless of category. They are only unsuitable for viewing if you've just
eaten.
Gone bye-bye: Dovebird's Collection of Sappy Pages
March 3rd, 2002
And you thought we were finished with bad poetry. So did I, but I couldn't
ignore this site. Brecccchhh. It's obvious that none of these poets should
be allowed to create, but obviously no one has told them that. And take a
peek at "Emotions". Who or what is that photo? It looks like the Wild Child
or Vincent the Beast!
We only wish it would stay lost!
Feb 11, 2002
The person who sent this in told me not to credit her since she knows Fae,
and I can't blame her. Fae is oh so otherworldly, with her 'spiritual
journey' but seems to have limitless time to devote to earthly pretentions:
recording every dreary moment of her children's potty habits, her
role-playing games (where she met her husband, where else?), and her
pathetic quest to make her poor kid Aidan into some kind of genius prodigy.
And of course, torturing us all with that AND her bad poetry on this black
hole of a website.
Fae's Garden of Dullness!
Jan 28, 2002
This site truly has it all: incredibly sappy, amateurish poetry, tacky
Romance Novel-cover illustrations, endless references to God, annoying MIDI
files, and other treasures nearly too numerous to mention. Those include an
over-the-top patriotic tribute to the Victims of Sept 11 (haven't their
families suffered enough without these horrendous "tributes?), and a
"Virtual Wedding" to Master Genesis- who includes his own turgid stories.
There are endless links and tributes and endless poems about their virtual
love, including a "First Anniversary Message" which has nearly as many
verses as Spenser's "The Faerie Queene". And of course swords, horses, lord
'n' ladies, dragons, illustrations of buxom babes. Some of the pages took
what seemed like hours to load but it was worth it, revealing each new
atrocity. Thanks to Heartless member Debra Romane for this week's Sappy
Site suggestion!
Lady Recherche's Pages of Putrid Poetry and Prose!
Dec 10, 2001
People this immature shouldn't marry OR have kids, but it didn't stop
Matthew Morley. Not only did he cheat on his wife and treat everyone in his
life like crap, he now memorializes it in this self-pitying, pseudo
Jack-Handy slop. Reading his "Essays" is as revealing as is his choice of
"Hobbies"- Star Trek, Klingons and Creative Anachronism. It's hard to feel
sorry for this pair, except a twinge of pity for the kids.
Who are cute, I might add, and it's not their fault. Sorry kids. Dad needs
to grow up and get off the Pity Pot.
Matthew Morley's Spiral into the Pity Pot!
Nov 12, 2001
With the events of recent months, it's entirely likely that many of you
have pondered the existence of an afterlife. If you've ever wondered about
what Heaven might be like, look no further. It will please you to know that
Heaven is not only full of the souls of the dead, there is plenty of lame
poetry and soppy sentiment (also known as Inspirational Thoughts) and the
only tv shows are Oprah, Touched by an Angel and the 700 Club! Oh, and in
the lobby is a tacky card and souvenir shop. Don't forget to pick up a card
and a little glass globe with Angels in it!
I'd rather go to Hell than to... this person's Heaven
Sept 15, 2001
Thanks to Don Davis for sending me this treasure. Davis describes this guy
as "nauseatingly self-infatuated", so I don't have to say it. However I
will add: fatuous, self-absorbed, humorless, and bone-crushingly dull. I
did notice that the author hasn't mounted any essays on his website in over
a year. One can only hope that indicates a terminal case of writer's block.
I see great potential for this site- next time you have trouble sleeping,
try reading "Orpheus Ascending" or "Homeward Found". If it works, buy his
book and throw away your Nytol!
Freff's Creative Cure For Insomnia!
June 10, 2001
There are plenty of these writer wannabe sites out there which are far
more gooey, sappy and nauseating. But this one just stood out. It has all
the right ingredients: turgid, amateurish "Romantic stories of love and
seduction"; even more pathetic poetry, all written by a pompous prat
possessed of a huge ego (good alliteration there!) And oh, did I forget?
"36 steps" to sexually fulfilling a woman- not for those who believe in 52
steps, mind you. I wonder, does he practice this on his wife of 14 years,
or on the ladies with whom he admits he likes to flirt?
Devin's Page of Pretentious Ramblings!
April 22nd, 2001
I'm all for imagination and creating worlds of fantasy, but methinks the
lady has sniffeth a bit too much of ye olde fairy duste. Once you "Choose
your path" you will be awed by the tacky, memory hogging graphics,
excessive use of annoying music, and of course endless narratives about
fairies, unicorns, teddy bears, elves, nymphs, and other mythical
creatures. Sadly, the author is a grown woman, not an 11 year old girl.
Beltaine's World of Arrested Development!
March 25, 2001
Just in time for Easter- he's back! As a 21st century delusionary
narcissist. And like all narcissists, he's boring; tries to read "as little
as possible" and almost never leaves his house. Jesus was jewish. No way he
was THAT boring.
Jesus Christ, Super Bore!
February 25, 2001
Check out his Ministry, his "Fashion" page and ponder on who the lucky
"tinkerbell" will be. Yep, he wants a WOMAN. I can see the happy couple on
MAURY very soon. Thanks to A.E Anderson for this gagfest.
Peter Pan's Magical Land of Delusions!
February 5, 2001
Thanks to Val for this contribution. Can anyone tell me what the hell this
guy is on about? Is Mr Dashing Good man looking for a heroine for his
cheezy books or for real life? Let's hope we never find out.
A Hard-up man is easy to find!
October 23rd, 2000
Wondering why you're so blue? According to the author it's because you
have a job and a life! Why not pray that Jesus will suck the brains out of
your pretty little head? Read the "Success Stories" for inspiration!
Marriage, the Stepford Way!
Sept 18th, 2000
These two met on the internet- color me surprised. This is that boring
couple who corner you at parties and yammer about themselves endlessly -
but at least you can just quit from the web page.
Milkman and Cupcakes induce Nausea and Vomiting!
July 3rd, 2000
Thanks to Bruce for this weeks winner! Our princess is drowning in her own
reflection- but without ruining her hair. Why does she need a prince?
She's perfectly happy practicing tantric sex on herself!
The Airhead formally known as Tantric Princess!
June 12th, 2000
Thanks to Jennifer S. for this week's selection. To complete
this endlessly nauseating "journey", use the "next" link on each page.
Help! We've got to get ourselves out of the Garden!
A journey through the Garden of Sappy Poetry!
May 22nd, 2000
Thanks to Amy Anderson for this week's contribution! I hurt my knee while
mountain biking, and it now throbs and stings like HELL. However, nothing
can compare to the pain of this sappy love story, pink background, and
tributes to angels, roses and unicorns.
Angeleyed girl's Ugly-ass Homepage!
May 15th, 2000
Thanks to Leah Sanchez for this week's contribution. According to Jukie,
their love faces no "obsticles" because they are "invinsible." I wish they
were invisible, frankly. And is is Judie or Jukie? She can't even spell
her own name!
Love means never having to learn to spell! - Now gone (for the greater good of all...)
May 1st, 2000
Gwynnmar (yeah, SURE that's her real name) is not a marriage counselor,
but bases her marital advice on her own 28 year marriage. Did you know
that if your husband feels like shit, you should get dolled up and seduce
him? And that a lack of sex in marriage can make men feel insecure? Good
thing we all found out just in time.
Marriage Rules for Dummies!
April 24th, 2000
When people meet in chat rooms they feel obliged to tell us the WHOLE
story in excruciating detail. Unfortunately, most of them only know about
half a dozen phrases, mostly cliches. Every link on this page is the
result of those cliched phrases, repeated ad nauseum. Brecchh....
Sickeningly Sweet Story of the love of my Life!
April 17th, 2000
Once you've scrolled to the end of this pathetic dreck, Don't forget to
partake of Katarina's Diary, Prayer, Poems and philosophizing on Near
Death Experience. And then you'll wonder why she didn't ask the angel for
a life, or maybe good taste?
An Angel gave me a migraine! - I guess the Headache was fatal... the site is now gone
March 13th, 2000
I decided to have sort of a theme for this week: the Sappiest "Titanic"
page I could find. I thank losers.org for this gem. Poor Marcia- I was
hoping she was maybe 12, but she's a 25 year old med student. Marcia
Marcia Marcia!
Pathetic Poetry for Leonardo DiCaprio!
March 6th, 2000
A friend of mine told me about this one. --And you all thought that teenagers
are all as articulate as the ones on Dawson's Creek and Party of Five.
Here's a word these dorks will get: geek-o-rama!
Sludge Hut!
February 27th, 2000
Thanks to Bob, a fan of HBI for sending me what could be the next anthem
for losers who have no lives. For more priceless moments, check out the
songwriter's music page
and ask yourself: If you were his friend, would you want to show your face?
Friends hiding their faces!
February 13th, 2000
Dave's first big problem is his HTML editing skills. His fiance bores him
in bed- but of course, none of that is HIS fault. Check out his photos,
especially the "Naughty" photo. He says he's "not MR Stud." No kidding.
Dave's Homely Page - ( Gee, I guess he found that special someone...)
January 30th, 2000
I thank Earthhorse for sending me this putrid site.
What if everyone would
just stop watching Oprah and read a book?
What if everyone got a life?
What if people had better taste in music?
Hell on Earth!
January 16th, 2000
Oh, gak! Pass the Gravol- with a shovel! Yet more pathetic weenies who
can't express themselves, so they opt for the identity of Prince and
Princess. This emetic could give Ipecac a run for the money.
The Nerd and his Barbie!
December 26th, 1999
Well, it's that time of year. In keeping with the holiday theme, here's
something ideal for this time of year. It's got angels, sappy music and
someone who needs a date New Year's Eve. Lithium, anyone?
Kate's Archangel Asylum!
December 13th, 1999
You have to wonder about a 19 year old guy who wants to get married,
proposes to someone in a chat room, and has photos from "Titanic" all over
his web site. Well, no you don't- thanks to the cyber-age, this breed is
multiplying like crabs.
Gooooooberman and Dippy's Titanically Sappy Home Page
December 6th, 1999
Choosing SSOTWs these days is a headache, since everyone overloads their
page with graphics, music, files, movies and other browser-crashing
plugins. Not everyone wants to wait an hour for a page to load, you know?
That aside, this slush is worth the wait, if only for the stories
themselves. Oh, and turn the volume on your PC down unless you want to
hear "I will always love yooooooooooo".
Online Losers
November 28th, 1999
True love knows no age difference, but is also blind, deaf and tasteless
as well (especially when it comes to posting web pages about it). I have to thank LOSERS dot ORG
where I spotted this gem. The really pathetic thing about this site is that the authors believe
in reincarnation, which means they could come back. I hope the next time
is an improvement.
Michael and Clara:Touched by an Oedipal Complex!
October 31st, 1999
Thanks to Carol G, who sent us this prize in May 99. Oh yeah, this one has
it all- angels, flowers, fairies, putrid poetry and endless loops of
gag-inducing music. And best of all, the creator added an extension, so
click on "Doorway Part Two" in case you haven't totally lost your lunch.
Meditative Moments for Morons! - ( I guess there weren't enough morons interested in meditating...)
October 24th, 1999
Another one of my picks. Some of it does promise "sexual content" in "Love
story" and "Second Chances." If all sex were this dull, the human race
would have died out ten thousand years ago. You're better off watching
late night dirty movies. Mostly I wondered what the hell these two dweebs
were talking about.
Gone (obviously overdosed): Overdoses of Love
March 7th, 1999
Judging by her website, this is a pathetic kid who has no life, and no taste either. Not only
is she counting the minutes until her no-neck prince graduates, she
has the nerve to share her brainless, sappy drivel with us. Instead she
fills her time with cheesy poetry and endless nauseating web rings, no doubt waiting for
her site to download. Check out the pictures of Handsome- easy to see what
he'll look like five years down the road. Pass the Pabst and Doritos,
willya?
Li'l Moron Love Page
February 17th, 1999
Heidi, who submitted this week's sappy site actually admits she KNOWS
Rick, a grease monkey who can't find the perfect woman in spite of his
incredibly LOW standards (he seems to scour TIM HORTONS and strip malls
all over Toronto) and his great taste in music (he frequents Garbage
shows, no doubt looking for 18 year olds). Could it be his pathetic
neediness? Check out the "Perfect Girl" test at the bottom of his "Pics"
page. Ewww! Bachelor number 2 has got to be better!
Lost to the winds of bad taste: Good Loser's Home Page (thankfully gone)
January 17th, 1999
(I thank HBI member Jade for this weeks suggestion)
If you don't want people to decry the "Goddess" stop being so sappy, so
simplistic and maybe, just maybe, read a few books about ancient history,
religion and feminism. Also, avoid cliches and try, just try to make sense
and answer one question: Who is the Goddess? You won't find out from
reading this double talk. Which proves the Goddess is no different
than any of the other religions.
Goof of the Specious Goddess! - (The goddess giveth and the goddess taketh away...)
November 29th, 1998
I got a lot of submissions but this weekend is my birthday so what the
fuck! I get to choose. This mega-gagfest was courtesy of the "Met on the
Net Webring." These two poor slobs have the double whammy of being losers
AND blinded by religion, so they have to turn it into God's will that they
met through the internet. And yes, you get to see what the "Soulmates" look
like. Praise the lord and pass the Bromo-seltzer...
Soulmates forever..Lord of the Blight and Honey Doo-Doo
November 15th, 1998
I have gotten many submissions for this site and you know, it's just too
good to pass up. Now that Mr Dangerous has self-destructed, we need a new
target. Rod emphatically tells us he's never had trouble getting a date.
Yeah, just one- once they realize what a dickwad he is. He should pay 10k
to anyone who reads his repulsive, pathetic ramblings. Notice how he
admits he has 20 lbs to lose- but won't consider any woman larger than a
size 7.
"Son of Mr Dangerous!"
October 18th, 1998
I got a ton of submissions this week, but this one wins for sheer sappy
overkill- hideous design, sappy music, incomprensible prose, drivelly
poetry and photos of angels, clowns and fairies! Any surprise she
loves Celine Dion? Anyone who can press the button at the end of each page
and continue to the end really deserves combat pay.
"Profile of a puerile website"
Oct 4th, 1998:
This is someone who takes a web page way, way too seriously but doesn't
seem to know what it is she's trying to say. Since it's obvious she
doesn't have an original idea in her head, she lets everyone else do the
quoting for her. She even has her own version of those nauseating
"successories" posters, complete with "inspiring" *gag* quotes.
Scroll down and read her pathetic story about her loser, ex-con ex-husband and
you'll understand why she wants to recreate herself as a purveyor of wise
words. On the internet at least you can PRETEND you're someone else.
The Vomitage
Sept 18th, 1998
I had the good fortune to review this one while recovering from minor
surgery, which meant I was lucky enough to be doped up. Ever wonder about
those Role-playing geeks, the ones with the fat stomachs, stuffing
themselves with Doritos, pretending to be vampires? Like, who do they
love? Check out the red "Love page" for a sampling of love among the
goobers. You'll want out of this orbit ASAP. I even have one of those
barf-dishes they gave me at the hospital.
The Nauseous Orbit - RIP (defunct)
Sept 7th, 1998
Thanks to Jade for being able to send in this weeks gagfest and survive it!
We return to the trailer park once again for some misguided loser's idea of
sex and romance. LOVE that artwork- sort of a cross between Frederick's of
Hollywood Catalogue and Hallmark. Same can be said for the poetry,
especially "Private Thoughts" and Jade's favorite, "For His Eyes Only." Not
to mention that the overdose of plugins prolongs the agony.
Many faces hurling in my mirror!
August 24th, 1998
I've heard Geocities described as "the trailer park of the internet" and
sites like this prove it. Anyone who uses satin sheets as a background
obviously never had to read it- especially at night. The author, judging by
her self-portraits, sees her self as much more sexy than she is. And her
so-called "sensuous" and "erotic" poetry make me think of, well...squid.
Sharon McElroy's Trailer Park of Poetry
July 5th, 1998
This site is part of a Webring dedicated to an infantile obsession which
combines tackiness, sappiness and religion in all their glory - Angels. Don't
forget to read the Poem, "A Broken Wing" on the Beach Angel's page. Great - a
story about some stupid shnook who lets a guy treat her like junk mail and
still isn't smart enough to get mad. This is just one sappy sample - check
out some of the others in the Webring. But don't eat for several days
before.
Little Twit's's Angel Inferno!
June 22nd, 1998
The person who submitted this page for our review knows the author of the page IRL and asked to
remain anoymous. I can't blame her- I'd be cringing if anyone suspected I
even REMOTELY knew these two geeks. If this is what is in Heaven, send me
to hell ASAP. At least I won't have to look at these two ever again.
Note: Sept 1998: Another site bites the dust. "Odious angel and escort" no longer exists....
June 9th, 1998
This has to be one of THE sappiest we've seen in months. Best feature: "The
Star Baby fairy tales", obviously inspired by Soap opera wedding vows. And
observe: a grown man, supposedly, he has a whole bio of the COOKIE
Monster on his home page (click on HOME at the bottom of the poem page)
complete with Sesame Street theme song.
This man is suffering from toxic cuteness poisoning.
Pull
the plug-in!
Yet another site gone AWOL
June 1st, 1998
Yep, it's time for some more BAAAAD Poetry. This time all dedicated
to "Barbara", (who, if she was smart, ran off screaming long ago).
This guy is so cliche, there is even a poem titled (*gag*) "Always and Forever".
In addition, one can find gems such as the following line:
"It is as if I await the only light, my sole mate, the fire,"
He wants someone to set his feet on fire? Oh my. This guy needs HELP.
The kind that comes in small brown bottles with child-safe caps.
Barfing Endlessly over Barbara - I guess
he puked his last. Alas! Barbara's tribute site is gone...
May 17th, 1998
Oh lord. Not ANOTHER "web-ring" devoted to insipid pursuits and
people who are actually proud of their puerile online nick-names!
Unfortunately, this kind of mawkish, jejune page is all-too-common on the web today.
These charter members of the "Get-a-Life" Club are certain to
trigger your gag-reflex. Is it a coincidence that "TeddyBearDee"
rhymes with "lobotomy"?
I think not.
Mucilaginous Cuddles
May 3rd, 1998
It's a new record... Mandy took her page down before the week was out...
Score another hit for heartlessness...
One of our readers, Eva, came across this page by mistake, and what a grave mistake it was.
After mopping her breakfast off the keyboard she felt compelled to send us the URL.
(Thanks Eva).
It's bad enough when people blather incessantly in person about their "perfect" mate.
But the web has provided a whole new medium for this tedium. Now they can inflict
their starry-eyed schlock on the world at large. (Good god. They even have one of those
mawkish "web rings" for "perfect boyfriends" - *GAG*) And so it is with "Mandy"... one does wonder
how Mandy will look back on this when Mr. "Perfect" turns out to be just another
ordinary human after all...
Mandy's Fatuous Folly WAS at : http://www.angelfire.com/oh/GotPerfectGuy, but she appears to have moved her entire site. Such a Shame!
April 13, 1998
Marlene (the Queen of Mean) is back at it again with yet another pick for
the sappy site:
"Here is proof that you can be sappy, corny and pretentious in two, count
'em two languages! Pierre has 684 'thoughts' for us, in 20 numbered pages
(check in Autres Pages). There was an invitation on usenet for us to check
out his page and his thoughts on 'fear of death.' Do us all a favor Pierre-
keep your thoughts to yourself next time, okay? "
Hang on to your last meal (if you can) and join Pierre
On the Road to Sappiness
(Oh lord! he's up to 757 as of June 9th...)
Ed. Note: Pierre's site hit the road, never to be seen again...
April 5, 1998
Complete with "throbbing" hearts and that putrifying pink background (it should be taken OFF the web color palette!),
here is yet another site which devotes itself to the author's gag-inducing obsession with "LOVE".
Marilyn submitted the URL with the following comments:
"My stomach trouble just got projectile as I stumbled across this gagariffic
site. My favorite bit of nausea is in the 'Why Guys like Gals' list where he writes 'How cute they
are when they argue' and 'The way they hit you and expect it to hurt' - oh
please, Mr Wiseass, let me show you just how wrong you can be!"
Ed. Note. Aw Dang! It's now a site offering sexy oriental women... oh well.
Wiseass's ode to Odiousness
March 31, 1998
If we weren't so Heartless, we'd feel bad about inflicting this week's site on
an unsuspecting public. It combines ALL the elements of sappiness, cheese,
over-done animations, lyrics, poetry, and music files. Truly a gag-inducing page of
"cutesy" crap guaranteed to turn even the most hardened stomach.
Just remember WE WARNED YOU.
Virtual Ughs!
March 23, 1998
Gods. This site is precisely why they ought to regulate who can
practise HTML. It also causes one to conclude that Geocities is indeed
contributing to some of the most nauseating crap on the web.
WHY do people feel
compelled to blather the gory, inane details of their personal lives all over
the net?
The pink hearts, the schmaltzy music, and the
run-at-the-mouth blow-by-blow of her ditzy (*giggles*) adoration for "Beek" are bad enough,
but the animated "I love You" heart sent our reviewer's roommate cringing in
horror, begging, "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!"
If you can wade all the way
through this site, you have a stronger stomach than I do.
Note: Sept 1998, Jessica's shrine to Endless Sappiness is no longer with us... *sniff*
March 9, 1998
I don't know how she finds them, but Marlene has done it again.
"This one proves that sappiness is definitely equal opportunity. Women can
be just as sappy and drippy as lovelorn shmucks like "Alan" and Mr Dangerous.
This one has it all! Sappy poetry! Dippy stories. Lots of pink! Cutesy
graphics. Read some of those charming poems, and especially stories of
Internet Relationships. Can you say, "Boring Desperate losers with no
lives?" I knew you could."
RiverWay Women Online - Internet Stories - defunct.
March 2nd, 1998
Now we don't deliberately try to pick on guys here - this is an equal-opportunity
puke-fest. But it seems that the bulk of really CHEESY sites submitted are sites created
by men. And yes, guys DO submit pages to this forum for review. But hey, ya gotta work
with the material given, right?
According to our exceedingly Heartless reviewer Marlene (you should *see* the shit she disturbed with her review of an MCS page!),
this week's pick is:
"Yet another pompous dweeb with a pink page and disastrously high flown
ideas about women which he can only express in the most maudlin language.
And yes, he also has the peculiar notion that he can write poetry. Read the
poem called 'Reminder'. Sex among the cowpats. A tear comes to my eye. And
the vomit rises in my throat."
And despite the fact that he can't seem to manage a real relationship with a woman,
he DOES expound on the wonders of his relationship with God... (and we presume,
his right (or is it left?) hand... "oh God! Oh God! Oooooohhhhhh")
Oh well... on with the show.
Alan's Love Corner ...has left
the building...
February 17th, 1998
Yep. Another poor Schmuck who thinks he can write poetry. Give
it up fella, it's not going to be. (Though he may have a shot
at writing lyrics for Bon Jovi.) ICK. Even the NAME of this site is clich,.
Ed Note (feb 23) - it looks like our boy couldn't take the heat in the coffee kitchen
and moved his site.... tsk. tsk. tsk. Heartless Bitches: 1, Bad Poetry: 0
"Javatown Jingo" (ran away)
February 2nd, 1998
With the hallmark-driven cherubic-chartered miasmatic holiday about to descend on
us once again, what better sappy site to target this week than one that
oozes syrupy "Always and Forever"/"True Love" drivel, martyrdom ("until then, I'll survive"...), a
Pepto-Bismol Pink background, and REALLY BAD poetry?
Don't miss "The Poem That Started It All". Digestive-tract-clearing fun for hours.
Drew's Delusions
And if you want added entertainment, read: Fabulana's Interpretation of "The Poem that Started it All"
January 25, 1998
Well this one certainly is one big schmaltz-o-rama.
The comment submitted along with the URL was, "this page is so sweet it will make you yack...."
Yep, from the pastel pink heart background, to the midi files, and
the *shudder* poetry.... this one's a gem.
Ed Note (June 7, 1998) - "Wildman's" pages have been removed from prodigy.
-Score one more for the sappy striker!
His Marie Gone bye-bye
January 18, 1998
I dunno if this one is "Sappy" so much as just plain cheesy. It certainly
made me gag (in between bouts of laughing uproariously). It's another one of
those guys with a "personals ad" website. He makes Frankie (one of our earlier winners) look mild by
comparison.
"Mr. Dangerous" (only to himself)
Yeah folks, that's what he calls himself. And he's looking for a
"tier one" woman... but none will have him. Do we wonder why? Could it
be because he's a pompous buffoon? Could it be because
he failed to mention his *other* weaknesses/failings, like an over-inflated ego,
and delusions of adequacy? (Geeze, he even mentions that he wears an
XL athletic supporter!!! Which we have been told is the size of the
WAISTBAND, not the size of the cup...)
"I have all of the required ingredients but I am
missing you to help me combine them, properly, in order to
grow from a boy to a man."
This guy is obviously suffering from emotionally arrested development.
(at about say, the age of 19). Yeah, like any woman with ANY brains is
going to want to help some 32-yr-old man-child get his shit together... NOT.
"Furthermore, you will appreciate that I have the experience and resources to help
transform a queen from a princess."
Oh gods, he's looking for a "princess" type, who wants to be on
a pedestal, and he can't figure out why he keeps getting "Evil Barbies"?
"Finally,
in social milieus, it is possible that I am not taken seriously,"
Gee... is it any wonder?
(Update, March, 1998: Mr. D. has since changed the text on his pages substantially.
I guess the HB kick-in-the-butt had some effect... too bad, the original pages
were MUCH more fun to laugh at, though he's still hasn't shed that ego bloat.)
Update, October 1998 - Mr. D. has removed his pages - they co-incidentally disappeared
shortly after a rather scathing but accurately aimed email from one of our readers...
December 1, 1997
While I have nothing against transgendered people (I know a couple
personally, who are cool), THIS page has got to be one
of the CHEESIEST pieces of kitsch to come my way
in AGES. I didn't go looking for it - the author submitted
the URL and asked my opinion. Ick. I'm not sure what
is worse - The floral capital letters, the "Pretty Woman" midi
music, or the fact that this misguided soul has sunk so deeply
into stereotype... It certainly turns MY stomach when
some *guy* thinks he has the patent on the "recipe" for what
it means to be a woman - and that recipe turns out to be a
syrupy flat souffle, topped with garish caricatured cliche.
P.S. "April" says you have to be over 21 to view the site...
April Dawn's Delusions - Disappeared... (defunct)
November 16 & November 30, 1997
People will say the most revolting things to each other when they think
they are in love... These are so saccharine you are apt to roll into diabetic
shock from the overload.
The Automated Source for Soppy Compliments on the Web
November 3 & November 15, 1997
Cyber Romance has been taken to new lows. There are sites springing up all over
where people feel compelled to tell their "stories" in all the most gushing
and effusive display of schmaltz ever to adorn the web. While the following
site has an entire list of stories, we thought this one was particularly
schlocky. There's just one word to describe it: Eeeeeeeeewwwwwww!
Cyber Love Story submission, by Sweety
October 7 & November 3, 1997
While personal's ads on the web are bad enough, creating an
entire site devoted to seeking out Ms. (or Mr.) Right goes beyond
the boundaries of bad taste.
This site is so bad, the best adjective I can use to describe it
is "Pathetic". The compatibility questionnaire is particularly
gag-inducing. Don't resist the urge. Go ahead. Fill out his
"application" form...
Ed note: It would seem that Frankie has moved his pages. While he
claims he has found his nymphet, yet he continues to search the net for Ms. Right.
Franky's quest for a nymphet.
October 7 & October 13, 199797
This weeks winner was obviously designed for spelling-challenged
would-be romantics. It's a form-letter for the one you love... When you
really CARE, it pays to pay someone else to say it for you. Well, you know
what they say - you get what you pay for.
Shakespeare this is not. *GAG*. Not only that, but
it's just ONE in a series of 5 "free" and truly stomach-churning form letters.
Love letters for Losers
September 29, 1997
"It's part of a home page about MULTIPLE CHEMICAL INSENSITIVITY. Call me
Heartless [OK, we will, you Heartless Bitch you,] but I am convinced this "illness" is the ultimate
victim copout
created by women (who seem to be most of the MCS sufferers) so they can
retire from the world and live in sex free, specially designed homes and be
professional victims. It's basically white middle class hysteria. This
link from poor Jacki's home page is just one; others include SCRIPTURE
VERSES. Have you ever read such self pitying drivel? Get a life! And turn
off that barf-making music. The moral of the
story should be a lesson to everyone with any disease, real or imagined.
DON'T WRITE POEMS."
As the inimitable Dorothy Parker (a Grand Ol' Heartless Bitch) once said,
"Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, may be prolonged to the point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only
irritation."
(Fortunately, for all of us, this MISFORTUNE of a page is now gone...)
It seems the first recipient of the "Sappy Page of the Week"
award was so embarassed by all the *ahem* attention he received, that he
removed his sadly sappy "Laura" page. It's too bad, as we were all rolling
in the aisles from his tribute to his own ineptitude, complete with
song lyrics and insipid midi music. After the laughter over his petulant
request for an apology had died down, we felt we had to offer our readers
an alternative and a damn close second to his syrupy "Laura" page, his
"friends" page (which has unfortunately disappeared as well).
As an aspiring actor he should know that not all of his "performances" are going
to be raved about by the critics. Maybe he ought to give up acting and
try writing romance novels instead.
